Bah- Life is being wonky for me so I'm gonna apologise now for being quiet still I was gonna come out from under my rock but shit is getting real

So, I've been a little quiet lately cause I've been chucking comics on Trademe to sell which is pretty friggen depressing, but I want to go flatting and I can't take them with me. Besides that, life gave me the middle finger this weekend.

On my way back from the BIG draw, a sketch meet in Auckland that I went to (Saw some gorgeous art in the gallery there!) I unfortunately got involved in a car accident where I became the meat in a car sandwich.

Yeah- I got caught up in a car accident. Not my fault- I stopped for a car in front of me, and got rear-ended into the guy in front of me's tow ball. So yeah. Skyrims have their arrows in their knees, mine is a towball in the radiator T.T Allex doesn't look too crash hot either D: (Excuse the pun), so either he's repairable, or written off cause well... there's sever panel damage in my front and back of my car. Hopefully it isn't enough to make it not cost worthy to repair T.T

So yeah- feeling pretty shit right now cause well, I live in the country with my parents, so there goes my freedom. I'm a friggen adult that's grounded. FML. I want to move back to West Auckland so I can walk places again T.T

I don't know anyone anymore. Everyone is changing their names

VIVA LA KEEPING NAMES!!

Serious- since day one I've been on this site, I've always been Arkillian. Shoot me if I ever voluntarily drop that user name for something other than my real one- k?

This journal is applicable to Aucklanders, and anyone willing to travel to Auckland!

I thoguht I probably should pimp this stuff here as well as on ~Drawfest for those of you that watch me but aren't part of the club. If you're a NZer and not part of the club, join, even if you don't watch the art. There's meet ups all over New Zealand advertised there, and you likely wont hear about them anywhere else but there.

Upcoming:-

Drawfest regular meet ups

I'm organising regular once per month meet ups based in Auckland University on the first Saturday of every month. I'm still confirming my location, but I'll update these details with more fleshed out ones when I have a stable location confirmed.

These Drawfest meet ups will run for the whole day, and artists / art appreciators can come and go as they please during the day and draw, or chat with other artists.

I'll also attempt to do a larger weekend Drawfest meet up which will have workshops, life drawing and other stuff to do that is larger than the once a month ones. Details all to come.

Next Drawfest meet date- 12 May 2012
Location- Auckland university, Commerce A block, room G14
Time- 9am till 5pm
Bring- Yourself, fun, art that you've done / working on, something to drink and eat if you're staying a while, and maybe stuff to jam about with for fun.

Directions:-

From Britomart:-





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The BIG Draw

The BIG draw is a more life drawing sketch meet I see regularly on Facebook. The idea with these is 10 - 20 artists all hang out together at a nice location and draw stuff around them like landscapes, people, objects etc... so it's a life drawing event.

Their next meet up is at TSB Bank Wallace Art Centre / Pah Homestead, at 72 Hillsborough Road, Hillsborough. This is on Saturday 26 May. 10am - 1pm for those of you interested.

Facebook event page for more details

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More meet ups to come as I hear about them! Please come along and say hi!

It's growing apparent to me that I have two separate audiences with my art not just here on Deviantart, but specailly in conventions. My comic work is often judged negatively on my realism stuff, and visa versa.

Should I split my comic styled art away from my realism stuff (have a gallery specifically for more gallery styled art rather than gallery and comic)? Or is that a heap of effort for nothing?

Also should I not bring realism art to conventions so that my comic art isn't judged based on it?

Due to unforeseeable circumstances, the release date of Tales of Turnabout #1 has been postponed till May. In the mean time, I'm going to be releasing my comic as a stand alone comic for sale at Wellington Armageddon, so if anyone is interested in purchasing just my comic of this collaboration then I will be printing a number of copies for it for a lower price than the full collab comic will be for this weekend. I'll announce the internet sales price when I have the quote for it on Monday.

Anyone interested in purchasing my comic as a stand alone?



A link to the cover I made for the comic last night. The run was a little rushed- I would've liked to have put concept sketches and stuff in it but I didn't get time. The printer has the files though, and she knows my deadlines so hopefully all goes smoothly and she can get the comic printed by Friday *is cutting deadlines SO close as usual T.T *

Side note- I'm getting 30 of these printed- If people want to buy both my comic and the full collab comic then I'll strike a deal for you if I have enough copies left after the con. I'm not sure how well it'll do cause it's going to be going for pretty cheap. If there's interest in the stand alone version, I might print more copies of it. The collaboration will be more worth your dollar though so I'd rather pimp that

Need a lift? If you come with me on the Saturday, we can all split the petrol money out. So far there is :devlucky-design: and myself going, but I'd like to fill up my back seats. I can take up to 3 more people in my car. Who's game? (Open to Aucklanders only)

Please note- this does not include the Geddon entry fees- At most $20 for adult passes. If I can fill my car with two more people it'd bring the price down to more like $20 each for petrol or less.

Laser eye surgery is a topic that has come up a few times during my life. For pretty much my whole life I've dealt with the fact that my vision was too poor to get laser eye vision correction and that was that.

Which is ok cause I actually love glasses :3

This was all ok till my vision kept getting worse, and worse, and I started actually being worried about how bad I'd actually need to be to be legally blind (For the record, I'm no where near that point with my vision). Five years ago, my optometrist finally confirmed that my eyes had stopped changing which is fantastic cause my vision has come to a grinding big halt at a whopping big prescription of -9.25 / -8.75 with a 1 diopter prism in each eye. For those of you that don't get what that means, my clear vision stops just before my nose, and I'm very slightly crosseyed. For those that like to do research, I have high degrees of Myopia and a low level of Strabismus. I have thinned glasses, and they're still 1cm thick on the sides (About .4 of an inch?)

At the middle of last year, the nose of my glasses broke and I had to get an emergency nose pad replacement to last the weekend, then I had to wear an old prescription and contacts for the next 3 days after that weekend was over to get the difficult solder job of fixing the nose done. My glasses are about 7 years old, so wear and tear like this is gonna happen, and those 3 days of contacts and glasses was TORTURE on my vision. So I went for the hunt for a new set of frames to fit my lenses. NO EASY.

Why?

My face is small. The fashion now days catters for medium to large faces. Who cares about half blind folk?

My lenses even if thinned can stop the arms from closing on my glasses so I need to make sure that my frames have 1cm of clearance.

My lenses are thick so I have to hide that or look like Steve Erkle. Not easy. That means no dainty frames.

My face looks bad in alot of shapes and colours. If I'm going to spend $1200 on a set of glasses (Oh yeah- did I mention that frames are the cheep part of my glasses?) I want them to look good cause I can't take them off unless I'm showering or sleeping. I READ with my glasses on.

So yeah- 6 months and NO FRAMES.

Desperate for something I turned once more to laser eye surgery. Thinking they'd laugh at me and tell me I'm dreaming, I called, made an appointment, and had my eyes checked for eligibility for surgery. Apparently they are not only qualified for a ICL (Implantable contact lens) but I've got heaps of area to laser for laser eye surgery!

Great news, huh? Except one thing. It can't fix my cross eyedness. So I'm going to a specialist on Strabismus (the guy that diagnosed me with it in fact) to see if I can fix the crosseyedness. At worst, I'll need glasses still, but only for my prism. That was more than I EVER hoped for with all of this research.

So... yeah. Holy crap. I don't know if you guys know, but I STRUGGLE with art. I don't know if it's apparent, but my prescription strength and crosseyedness make all areas of art very hard for me, and I've had to learn to combat it my whole life. I don't actually know what the world truely looks like, and soon everything could be the correct shape, easy to look at, not a strain on my eye... Maybe I wont even need glasses at all.

It's... probably one of the biggest milestones of my life so far. Art means so much to me, and to know that I'll only be 1 step away from perfect vision rather than admiring it from afar? I've shed alot of tears in the last few weeks. If people are interested, I can keep you all posted on this. On my life changing surgery

<edit>Today I went to see the specialist to do with crosseyedness to see what my options were for post surgery, and he explained alot of things for me in a way that made sense. Like, for instance, my eye isn't round- it's a rugby ball shape. That's where the shortsighteness comes in. Cause it can't focus on the back of the eye since it's too far away. Anyways, he says that my vision may straighten up with the surgery cause my eyes are actually very stable. He thinks that my eyes might straighten up if I correct the perscription on their own. IF they can't, I have options for wearing glasses with prisms only in them, or going in for surgery, but the surgery is only $3K, not $10K like I thought it'd be. Apparently if I don't mind waiting, I can be put on a waiting list and get that done publicly too. It's nice to have that option

So basically, worst case senario is actually my best case senario to be honest. I went in expecting to still wear glasses after surgery. If I don't have to? Bonus. I've done what I want, and that's to get my prescription to a point where my vision is no longer the burden it was before- finacially, physically, and with the supply issues. This has never been about me getting perfect vision, me getting surgery. It's about getting my eye sight back to a point where I have options again. Getting 20/20 vision is a dream that I never thought I could fulfill to be honest, so getting it with a weak prescription is a dream come true <3 </edit>

This is a little experiment that I've kinda joked a little about at cons with people cause even comic collectors have difficulty classifying my art style.

See, anime fans say flat out that I'm realism. There is a large degree of realism, but it's not really that accurate Western comic fans say I'm an anime artist, and frankly, there's ALOT of realistic anime styles out there so I'm not going to argue.

What are my watchers ideas though? I call myself a hybrid artist, but if you were to describe my art style to someone, how would you do it? I mean, to someone that collects western comics, my INFLUENCES are pretty obvious. Can anyone name them all?

Woot- I haven't given out a challenge like this in a while ^^ Um... I'll see if I can give out a prize of some sorts (a free drawing?) to the person that guesses my influences right or something. Not sure how I'm gonna judge this XD

The date is OFFICIALLY SET! It's a 1 day convention again this year, and at the usual location at the Pullman Hotel

I need a stall buddy. Stall buddy registrations are open!! Who wants to camp out with me? Table costs are $40 for a 2 person table, or $20 if you share with me

For more details, please visit the website! [link]

Trying to come up with a title for this comic is getting REALLY difficult so I thought I'd enlist in my watchers opinions. I have a few ideas already but I'm not really excited about any of them. I can make them work of course.

Since this comic blankets over the WHOLE Ace Attorney series, it can't focus on one game, or one set of games cause it incorperates all of Phoenix's games, Apollo's game, and Miles' first game (the second isn't in english so darn you Japan for holding out on us >.< ). There is also a mixed genre, and theme. This all makes it a LITTLE hard to give a suitable, possibly reoccurring title set up.

What I have so far:

Ace Adventures (Sounds kinda Pulp actiony- a play on how everything is Ace something in their universe)

  Objectjinshi / Objectionshi (A play on Doujinshi)

Over the tea cups / coffee cups (a little polite :/ )



Suggestions:-

"Objection" (Just simply that. Problem with this is that it's actually the most iconic thing in the game, so I'd be pretty obliged to use the official graphic which I don't want to do.)

Give it a Pulp type cover and title (I'm bias. I LOVE pulp stuff. I want to use it, but there's already a Pulp manga magazine so I'd have to call it Pulp something. That something elludes me)


Using black and white as a theme intrigues me as all the comics are in black and white- not colour. I considered taking an old art book idea of a title 'Cafe Noir' and have characters all at a cafe on the cover, but it doesn't work as smoothly as 'Over the tea cups' does. It doesn't sound like a comic cover...

Going for a random as title could if it was generic enough


Help! Ideas anyone? I could perhaps give a free copy of the comic out if I like an idea an use it if that inspires anyone?

Sites like Deviantart catter heavily for people posting art, and not for those that appreciate art. A website I moderate, Paperdemon is going over a MAJOR overhaul, and I want to make sure you guys get your voices heard of what you do and don't like when surfing websites cause without you guys, artists wont get half the love that they possibly could!

Are you an Art appreciator? Writing appreciator? Comic appreciator? Something else?
What do you like about navigating Deviantart? Specifically?
If you could improve the section/s you surf alot (first bullet point), how would you like to surf? Any examples?
How would you like your account page to look? Would you like better options on your account page to show artists you like off, or their art off? What do you want on your page to replace the fact that you don't submit art? (Or have a lack of art?)
What can a site do to make you want to comment on stuff more?
Would you like some sort 'You may also like this' feature? Or is that a pain?
Anything else?

I look forward to art appreciator feed back! I know alot follow me, so I'd love to hear from you cause you guys deserve more love than you get from the community.

I know that this is a difficult question to answer, but it's an important one to many artists that go to conventions and sell art

Not all conventions are the same in cost prices for seats, but in NZ, I know that a 'collectors stall' at Armageddon costs around $280NZD for Auckland Armageddon, Doujin overload costs about $30 for a 1 day stall, and Inkforge costs about $15. Big conventions can have VERY costly stall, but theoretically the popularity of the convention should mean that the artist purchasing space at the convention should have an easy time making up for their stall an printing costs.

This I know isn't the case in New Zealand.

So, what I'd like to know is what you guys like to see. I'm not asking what fandoms you specifically purchase cause that'll be different every year, but when you go there, is something that makes you want to purchase an item? What's the seller for you?

Price- Do you hit a stop sign if something costs more than a certain price at a convention? I'm not talking of good deals here, and I'm not talking official merchandise. Will you actually be stopped from buying something if it's a certain price or higher? What is that price?

Quality- Do you only purchase art if it's inspirational / high quality even if the cost is high? When I say quality, I don't just mean only quality fanart. I mean quality ANYTHING. Original characters included.

Original traditional art- Do you buy one of art? I don't mean doodle originals, but full fledged traditional art. Colour or not. Stuff that (SHOULD) go for more than $20.

Large prints- Prints seem popular in NZ, but what do you want in a print? Do you only want fanart? Do you want a piece of art to hang on your wall? What do you look for in prints?

Content matter- What content do you want to see in art you purchase. I'm not asking about special case stuff here- are you more interested in fanart only, Original characters only, stuff with LOTS of colour, something that is cute, has girls, boys, yaoi, yuri, het... what content makes you want to purchase it? (And don't say anything please, cause this isn't true. People are very rarely interested in seeing a wide range of art- artists included. We all have interests)

Other merchandise- What BESIDES prints and single sheet art do you like to see? Art books? Comics? etc... and what do you want out of them. Anything specific that catches your eye?

Art style- Does this matter to you? If yes, then how much so?

Artist layout / attitude- When you go to a convention, do you want to zoom past art that doesn't interest you and stop at ones that do? Or do you want to talk to all the friendly looking  artists, and fish through thier stall of art you can only look at? Do you like to see all of their products at once, or have an 'experience' with interacting with the artist?

On the spot commissions- What do you want in an ont the spot commission. Colour only? Specific mediums? To be able to get OCs drawn? What? Do you want on the spot commissions at all? (This doesn't include dirt cheap ones which obviously you wouldn't think twice about getting)

Adversing Will advertising an expensive product pre convention make you more likely to want to by it, like a $100 painting or something?

None of the above / something else Sometimes people don't go to cons to buy stuff. What'll attract you to my stand anyway? Or if I've missed something out, tell me, and I'll add it

I'm aware that con goes want to have their own unique experience, and over the years, I've noticed that no two con goers take the same from a convention that another wants, and that the audience at any given con is different. I know I and many other artists REALLY want to hear this feed back though cause it's SO hard to cater for someone else's tastes.

I look forward to everyone's responces

Been doing a bit of spring cleaning of my gallery as it has art that's close to 10 years old in it still. Not deleting anything that has high favs, but it it wasn't popular and it's over 6 years old? It's probably gone now.

I've also deleted all the Slayer's Game and Final Sunset comic, replacing it with an off site link. PaperDemon's hosting qualities are INFINITY better than Deviantart's for comics, and you can read them sequentially there rather than having to load everything individually. Please tell me if this is a cool set up or if you want new comics to be spam hosted here cause frankly, it does actually make my gallery look like it has a lower fav rate because comic pages don't get favs while individual art does. This currently only applies to my older comics. If you wish to show your appreciation for them, and please do, you can leave a comment or fav on the Link to deviations

For links to my off site comics, please click the links below:-



Final Sunset- Now hosted only on PaperDemon

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Slayer's Game- Now hosted on PaperDemon

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DBZ Chaos Saga- Hosted on Paperdemon

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Also on Paperdemon:-


(Also hosted on Deviantart)



(Also hosted on Deviantart)



(Also hosted on Deviantart)



(Also hosted on Deviantart)


Feel free to use the alternative hosting of my comics as a more enjoyable way of navigating my comics Cheers!

A very good friend of mine is in desperate need of money for a dental operation costing approx $900NZD. She has a major infection in one of her teeth, and is asking for ANY amount of money to pay for either the operation, or to have the tooth removed. She's in alot of pain, and it upsets me alot knowing she's going through this. The commissioner is VERY talented at art, and she'll draw for any amount of money. Even if it's small. Every bit counts!

Examples of her work:-







Please note- these are ALL commissions so it's a good example of what she'll draw for you.

Please contact her via journal and follow the instructions there [link] My sincerest thanks go out to anyone that puts money towards this

Paperdemon is making a colouring in book with 'Pages for Children', a charity project to entertain children in for major surgery while they're in hospital. We need pages to fill this book up with awesome stuff!

The deadline currently is 15th of February

The stuff that Paperdemon is looking for currently is:-

Writing- short story type that children can read. I KNOW alot of writers watch me!
Clean, child friendly linearts for children to colour.

Here is a forum dedicated to the current submissions if you want examples of what they're looking for!

Rules for participation

What can you do if you can't draw or write but you wish to support this event? You can donate towards the cause through Paypal! All the money donated goes towards printing costs!




Do you need to be a Paperdemon member to support this?

You do need a Paperdemon account to support this project, but this IS easy to do!

Paperdemon is a great website. I have been involved with Paperdemon for over 7 years now, and I'm now one of the site administrators. Susie Sahim, the webmistress is a WONDERFUL lady, and she and I are very good friends. The community on Paperdemon may not be as large and as vast as Deviantart, but the community is much friendlier, and if you have any issues, moderators there will jump to help. Plagiarism has zero tolerance there, and Paperdemon offers features for comic artists and writers that Deviantart will never offer. A specialised webcomic set up for comics, sequential chapters for galleries, and a separate gallery for mature art. Paperdemons mature art rules are also far more relaxed than Deviantart's ones.

I strongly recommend you get an account even if you don't enter. Donations are welcome from anyone and everyone.

Anyways, Please support this project!


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Colouring in crayon picture used under creative commons license. Created by Matt Doucette

I'm having some troubles with my Ace Attorney fancomic and want some thoughts from people on this.

My Ace Attorney x Sweeney Todd cross over comic is a definite doer- I've talked about it with one of my friends and the storyine is REALLY cool. I have one really major problem however

The length.

This is a big problem cause I've allotted 10 page slots for everyone in this collab comic and this concept is going to be more than that. WAY more than that. And I can pull it off right if I have the page count. I can still try to force it down to a 15 page comic though cause damn it, if I'm paying for the comic to be printed then I of all people can be given a few more pages if I need it.

My questions here are this:-

Should I compress my cross over storyline into 15 pages with the fear of not fleshing stuff out fully or being a little choppy with the story line?

If I were to make a stand alone comic out of this and make a new script for the collaboration comic, would people be keen for this storyline to stand alone as a purchasable comic? I would want to sell it if I made it.

(Please note:- I have worked hard to give this story the feel of both Ace Attorney, and Sweeney Todd universe. I'm not going to draw the act of murder, but the Sweeney Todd universe isn't inherently a happy universe. There will be characters that lighten the mood however so the storyline does have a dark undertone, but it gets lightened by characters like Maya. It's just not 100% AA level happy)

Does anyone have requests of a storyline they'd like to read in my collab comic? Considerations are for storylines up to 15 pages in length.

Also, if someone has a story already that is the right length that they would like to see in print, I can't give you money for it, but I'll send a free copy of the comic to you if you have a concept that can be scripted. I know it's not much, but hopefully it's enough for someone out there

Most of you don't know, but I'm a My Little Pony fan. Not since the recent Friendship is magic stuff (generation 4 MLP stuff, although I AM a big fan of the current MLP stuff ), but since the original My Little Ponys back in the 80s when I was a kid (Generation 1).

Just recently I joined MLP Arena after striking an interest in customising ponies, and have recently spent a HEAP of money on buying materials to make them for myself. What I want to know is if you are interested in seeing WIP updates of my labours of love, or just the final product submitted as a deviation.

Before you answer, I'm not going to purposely do a half assed job at this, I want to create art with these ponies, and I'm not going to flood fill your inboxes with it. I honestly don't want the audience that MLP attracts with this. I just want to share my efforts with those that care.

I guess what I want to know, is who loves MLP out there and want to follow my experience with customising them

Wow- I don't know what to do with myself- 2 weeks off, with no work and my social life is on stand still!

Optimist Susan is doing an art lesson via DVD- The 'Five Pencil Method'

[link]

The guy that does this course is VERY pedantic, and repeats the need to have consistency with how you draw and to practice... This guy is immaculate. It's... kinda intimidating XD His art is REALLY fantastic though, and I've never officially learnt how to draw before. His method is heinously slow, but very precise and consistent. I'd like to give it a go!

I'm also working on modding some My Little Ponies.

Yes. I have fallen to the dark side. Ponies are wonderful. Don't ask me who my favorite is cause they ALL are.

My last thing is I now own a shinny new white Sony ebook reader! Totally been considering buying one of these for ages, and finally get it! It's so awesome ^^



Otherwise, I'm a boring soul. I need to finish drawing art. I need to ground myself too cause my visa is SO maxed out right now >.<

In case ya'all wanted to know Now I've cleared out my computer woes. Hopefully they sort their shit out >.<

<edit> Well, my computer has kicked the bucket prematurely. It was sort of my fault. All this self diagnostics. I think I zapped the CPU chip while I was cleaning it out. I started it once, it loaded Windows, and shut down. The End. *sighs* Luckily I have everything I could think of backed up onto my hard drive. Time to wait for my next pay check to replace the motherboard or upgrade. I've wasted SO much time on this T.T Urgh... </edit>

Oh man, my computer is dying a SLOW and intermittent death XD It's really painful to watch! I'm getting hard core blue screen of death errors and just half an hour ago, I got one Windows recognised as a critical error!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT THOUGH?! XD

Damn it, I can't figure it out. It's either Windows is screwed, or my motherboard is and frankly, my mother board is an EXPENSIVE repair in comparison to reinstalling Windows.

Anyways, for the geeks out there, speak up if this makes sense to ya'll!

On Thu 22/12/2011 8:40:15 a.m. GMT your computer crashed
crash dump file: C:\WINDOWS\Minidump\Mini122211-01.dmp
This was probably caused by the following module: win32k.sys (win32k+0x153715)
Bugcheck code: 0x1000008E (0xFFFFFFFFC0000005, 0xFFFFFFFFBF953715, 0xFFFFFFFFA8CB3C00, 0x0)
Error: KERNEL_MODE_EXCEPTION_NOT_HANDLED_M
file path: C:\WINDOWS\system32\win32k.sys
product: Microsoft® Windows® Operating System
company: Microsoft Corporation
description: Multi-User Win32 Driver
Bug check description: This indicates that a kernel-mode program generated an exception which the error handler did not catch.
This appears to be a typical software driver bug and is not likely to be caused by a hardware problem.
The crash took place in a standard Microsoft module. Your system configuration may be incorrect. Possibly this problem is caused by another driver on your system which cannot be identified at this time.

On Wed 21/12/2011 10:07:28 a.m. GMT your computer crashed
crash dump file: C:\WINDOWS\Minidump\Mini122111-03.dmp
This was probably caused by the following module: win32k.sys (win32k+0x3D0E0)
Bugcheck code: 0x10000050 (0xFFFFFFFFE4B04020, 0x0, 0xFFFFFFFFBF83D0E0, 0x1)
Error: CUSTOM_ERROR
file path: C:\WINDOWS\system32\win32k.sys
product: Microsoft® Windows® Operating System
company: Microsoft Corporation
description: Multi-User Win32 Driver
The crash took place in a standard Microsoft module. Your system configuration may be incorrect. Possibly this problem is caused by another driver on your system which cannot be identified at this time.

So, uh, yeah XD SEE WHY I ART TRADITIONALLY? Screw this modern technology. I'm gonna go read a friggin book. Computers are too serious for me XD

PS- I've checked my memory, Hard drive, and all my drivers. It's not any of them. Could be my Power supply, but I doubt it. My errors are totally intermittent too. *is so lost T.T*

I wish romance was easier than it was. I don't know if people follow my new years resolutions, but one of mine for this year was to finally confess to a guy that I like him, and I did. He's a guy I've known for a high percentage of my life... Close to half of it. When we first started out as friends he and I were really close, and then I asked him to the ball and found out he had a girlfriend.

That was like a smack in the face. How was I the last person to know he had a girlfriend? I was good friends with him, right?

I let it go for the rest of that year (which was mostly over anyway) and we kinda drifted apart for a year while he went to uni, and we re met each other the year later and at an event we went on, I swore I'd be cool and pretend like it didn't happen. Turns out I was too convincing cause his drunken friend asked if I had a crush on him. Thinking he had a girlfriend, I said no.

This... started a chain of evens cause no matter how little I showed of affection to the guy, I still got asked by many people if I liked him. Terrified that I was leaking my interest in even expression, I turned almost cold on him and put a wall up to hide my feelings. It has left me petrified to talk to him incase I let that wall down. Yet, every time he went away out of my life, I missed him, and thought about him and how he was. No matter how bad it got, I always felt happier around him.

Anyways, 13 or so years down the track, I've finally told him my feelings. I was an ABSOLUTE mess in front of him and I did the whole shojo hold onto the phone to call him but hang up instead thing and EVERYTHING. I was really brave, and I think he respects me alot more for being brave, but he had just gotten a girlfriend. Again.

So, now I'm left with this emotional dilemma. I have spent the last year in terror of discovery from the one guy that I think I may have strong feelings for... Not only do I not know what he's like any more as a person, I'm also terrified to find out.

What if my teenaged hormones were latching onto the one guy that paid attention to me in college (highschool) and mistook that for something more than it really was, and I no longer like him, but I'm infatuated with the idea of him being the one? What if I found out that I've always been in love with him? How can I just sit there and not fight to win his heart? What if I am just friends with him? He knows that I have feelings for him- will he second guess everything I say?

Sorry, this is why I've been so brittle lately. Part of me wants to walk away from all of this. I've barely spoken to him since I told him my feelings. I shared a coffee with him which was a bit awkward, and went to a formal dinner where I sat opposite and tried to be cool about it, but he's left the social group I'm in for the last time so I'm not going to have an excuse to see him again without being proactive about it.

I donno- should I walk away and start a fresh with someone that I don't harbour old feelings for? Or pursue something that may be friendship in the end with him and hope that my fears of discovery were just me being nervous about him disapproving of my feelings for him?

Le sigh